Tiebreaker 2008

Can the Twins pull it off?

"The Debate That Almost Wasn't"

Living on a college campus in DC means that politics permeate everything. So, of course, I waited to go out tonight until the debate was over. This is my running commentary, in bullet point form:

• “Where do you stand on the financial plan/$700 billion bailout?” Okay, wow, we’re jumping right into it. Barack Obama is looking straight at me. Hi, Barack. Ooh, Wall Street vs. Main Street. Nice. Giving the middle class a fair shake. And bake.
• McCain has a sob story for us: Ted Kennedy, a dear friend, is in the hospital. Well, clearly, not that close, since you didn’t get the text that he is back home at the Kennedy compound. Oh, you decided to go with the Wall Street/Main Street comparison as well? Fine.
• Barack is optimistic that we can come together with a financial plan. I guess that means I am too?
• McCain warned about corporate greed. With his 13 cars. And now we’re talking about Eisenhower – and other things no one else was alive for.
• Barack thinks we need to solve short-term financial problems and also look at underlying causes. This sounds like some kind of homework assignment.
• McCain is acknowledging the hearing problems that come with old age.
• McCain thinks we need to fix the economic system – “There are problems in the system.” Well, like, yeah.
• McCain is making a point about how “Earmarking is a gateway drug to out of control spending and corruption.” Don’t the terms earmarking and pork barrel spending just kind of make you think of the bulk rawhide bins at Petco?
• Rich people shouldn’t get reduced taxes. “We’ve gotta grow the economy from the bottom up.” It’s a nice idea, Barack. I’m going to go buy the Marc Jacobs tote bag off of the runway section of your online store.
• McCain is already referring to himself as “the sheriff” 18 minutes in.
• I want Barack Obama to tuck me in at night. That’s probably some kind of awful sexual innuendo I’m not aware of, but really, when he looks straight at the camera and says “back on track” I feel like everything’s going to be okay.
• “Look at ‘em, my friends.” I don’t know what he’s talking about, pork barrel something, but John McCain is not my friend. And I am not looking at ‘em.
• We are discussing the definition of rich. Apparently Obama doesn’t consider me to be rich.
• Obama wants to let us in on a secret: McCain plans to tax health benefits. Good to know. McCain wants to tell us about legislative bills that are “festooned with Christmas ornaments.”
• “As president, as a result of whatever financial rescue plan that comes about, and whatever it’s going to cost, what are you going to have to give up, in terms of priorities…” I kind of lost Jim Lehrer there. CNN is now paraphrasing this question like so: “As president, what will you have to give up in terms of spending?”
• John McCain opposes ethanol subsidies. Great. Does that mean he can get rid of those terrible pro high-fructose corn syrup commercials? They’re basically the same thing.
• Even I’m surprised that no one cheered when Obama said that he opposes “George Bush’s wrongheaded policies.”
• Jim Lehrer would like to remind us “One of you is going to be the president of the United States, come January.” Somehow this idea still kind of startles me.
• I am going to write a song titled Medicare Subsidy.
• Nuclear power scares me.
• The Twins are losing 6-0? What?
• The frosting on this peanut butter cupcake I’m eating is really good.
• John McCain would like you to know that we owe China $500 billion. And that’s why the Olympics sucked.
• Barack just used the phrase “orgy of spending.” Oh, wow.
• 38 minutes in and McCain has finally referred to himself as a maverick.
• McCain visited Iraq before Sarah Palin had even applied for a passport.
• We are winning in Iraq? If you say so…
• Not at all surprised that Barack is patting himself on the back for voting against the war.
• I just noticed that the strange line graph at the bottom of the screen is not, in fact, a logo as I had previously assumed. It is a gauge of audience reaction, with different colored lines for Republicans, Democrats and Independents. It kind of looks like that stock ticker that shows up at the top of your AIM buddy list.
• “I’m afraid senator Obama doesn’t understand the difference between a tactic and a strategy.” Ouch.
• How long is this thing? Why is Obama wearing a red tie? Shouldn’t he be wearing a blue one?
• Obama just said that we should capture and kill Bin Laden. Barack, aren’t we more proponents of the life in jail thing?
• I think McCain just accidentally said sexpectations.
• Oh wow we’re actually talking about Afghanistan. Lara Logan would be proud.
• War is really unbelievably boring. I feel like I’m in a history class. Surges, terrain, tribes, strategy, new strategy, allegiance…
• Even McCain admits that George Bush shouldn’t say some things out loud. Like Pakistan. Actually I think he was criticizing Obama there. But it could’ve been Bush. Don’t say Pakistan.
• Everyone is just really confident in Petraeus, huh?
• At least Barack talks about conflicts with interesting language like “we coddled Musharraf.”
• Before I was born, back in 1983 when John McCain was a newly elected congressman, the person he most admired was Ronald Reagan. Mistake.
• John McCain can’t pronounce Kosovo. I organized a bake sale for Kosovo in 3rd grade.
• I really can’t make jokes about this dead soldiers and bracelets business. But I have some ideas.
• At the one-hour mark we are even on time. Jim says this is remarkable.
• “Iran is a threat to Israel and the region… We cannot allow a second Holocaust.” Whoa there, Johnny boy. Whoa. I don’t think this guy understands the Holocaust.
• The phrase “putting IEDs into Iraq, which are killing them” makes me think of a faulty IUD being inserted into the uterus.
• Listen, I hate Ahmadinejad as much as the next guy, but at least learn to pronounce his name.
• I’m Jewish and all, I fully intend to go on Birthright and all of that, but really. This Israel love is just out of proportion.
• McCain really wants us to know that he has known Kissinger for 35 years.
• The next question is RUSSIA! Sarah Palin can see it from her house! NATO, Cold War, nuclear proliferation. You know.
• While John McCain would like to point out that Obama’s thoughts on Russia indicate a bit of naiveté, I would like to point out that McCain can’t pronounce naiveté.
• I just had the second half of that peanut butter cupcake smashed into my face. I missed about 8 minutes there.
• The TV is getting all pixely and crapping out.
• Now it’s just frozen.
• It seems we are making closing points.
• Obama is fearless. He looks straight at the camera.
• Closing points are nice, warm, fuzzy things like education (Obama) and veterans (McCain).
• Now we set our sights on Thursday and the vice presidential candidates.

Post debate commentary seems to consist of a panel of assholes with credentials arguing about who "won" this round. And, hopefully, Anderson Cooper.